Four Seasons of America; Four Seasons of My Soul

Now months removed from this trip, I look back and notice something of a correlation with both the climate of these diverse corners of America and also the climate of my soul as I encountered each one…

Am I a Writer?

At the end of the day – or, rather, at each day’s sacred start – despite all the excuses or hard realities, I must ask myself this question: am I a writer? Do I still self-identify as someone who writes? Because if I’m not doing that regularly – writing – am I, by definition, still a writer?

I Can’t Believe I Came From Her

My grandmother died. These words rattle around my heart like pinballs that won’t settle, even a week beyond her funeral. And yet I wonder if the settling of these pinballs would be any better – the finality of their lodging into the belly of that machine, no longer kept alive by another flap of the paddles. Mayme Alice was the last of my grandparents to leave this earth, and undoubtedly the one with whom I grew closest.

2021: Wasted

I look back on this year and can’t help but feel the wince of apparent wasted time. The lethargy of a lingering pandemic, the apathy of my creative soul, and the heavy, sometimes brutal work of ministry. Of holding less and less tightly to relationships – even if it means letting some go. My 34 years of life feels increasingly like a bell curve. Isolation and worthlessness filling the lowly cracks of my adolescence; a rising wave of optimism for my twenties, filled with new friends and adventures aplenty; and a steady decline of ambition into my mid-thirties.

If you could live 2021 over again…what would you do?

2021: the year of doing handstands, juggling, speaking Polish, and (re)learning guitar…with a little extra challenge. Years ago at a Storyline conference from Donald Miller and friends, I learned a new way of looking at resolutions and productivity. Instead of asking yourself, “What do I want to do this year?,” try this: “If I could live this year over again, what would I do?” I’m a month into reliving 2021, and it’s going great. Can’t wait to follow up on these resolutions and more 11 months from now!

A Time to Step Out and Speak Out

As a conflict-avoidant person, I’ve always had this general rule of thumb: stay away from politics when talking with other humans – online or offline. Just stay away. But something’s changed in the last year. A tension not previously felt now rages in me, building over the span of Trump’s presidency. I’ve often been left wondering: at what point do I step out and speak out . . . and at what point do I just throw up my hands and take a deep breath and let it be, and pray, and pray? It’s hard to sit down for my weekly blog and ignore last week’s events at the Capitol. The insanity that erupted and has been swirling in America, within Christianity since Donald Trump descended down that escalator six years ago. It’s all I’ve been thinking about this week, and again I feel the tension. Bubbling tension that must be released.

Am I Worthy of Your Giving?

Am I really worth your hard-earned dollars? Am I worth your kindness? You say I am, but am I really? I don’t want to waste my money – your money. I don’t want to buy things I don’t “need.” But I also “need” some amount of pleasure and joy. Can I buy a milkshake with your money? What about a new lamp for my studio? I want to make you proud of my journey, however much you’ve contributed to it. I want to be worthy of every cent.

These Hills Have Me

I’m not getting out much these days. I used to sprawl all over this city and region, but I’ve become more of a homebody than ever before. But I’m living in my favorite dwelling I’ve ever built for myself, a homier, “Tom-ier” place than anywhere else, complete with maps and globes and buffalo art; early mornings with lighted candles and open windows and blanketed fog amidst the canopy. It feels good to be a body in this home.

‘Twas the Night Before Treatment

Tomorrow morning, bright and early, I set out on a new quest. A new quest within an already new journey of the last couple months – this unforeseen journey with an autoimmune disease. Tomorrow begins this new quest for healing and recovery. Remission. Or so I hope.

40 Days of Ashes

Forty days ago, I sought to burn my psalms for Lent. Writing one in the back of my journal before bed each night, then ripping out the page, entering my closet and closing the door behind me, and setting fire to my words in an old toolbox. It was a different sort of Lenten season this year, for many reasons, and I have three main thoughts.

Thank You for Being Brave

I’m writing this blog from home. And I never blog from home. Like ever. I have no other choice. Nothing is open. No late-night coffee shops and no early-night coffee shops either, for that matter. Coronavirus has violently disrupted every facet of normalcy. Society’s. My own. Normal Monday evenings aren’t normal Monday evenings anymore. And for God only knows how much longer.

Burn Up Your Psalms

I’ve participated sporadically in Lent over the last decade. Some years I think nothing of it; others, I’ve fasted from food or masturbation. I recalled this notion of psalm-writing. Of putting away my Bible and penning my own. As a writer, I feel it hold such an allure; as a human, too. I’d been wanting to connect with my Creator like this for many months. Why hadn’t I? What’s been holding me back?

Healthy Rest / Unhealthy Rest

I’m realizing healthy rest bleeds into my productivity. “Healthy productivity” – that’s a thing, too. Not just being productive from a sense of duty, distracting-distracting-distracting your heart, but producing from a well-stewarded overflow. Incorporating rest not just after but into my productivity – this is the magic.

To Bleed Unfettered on the Page

A friend recently recommended we shut our Bibles for a second and pen some psalms of our own. I couldn’t stop smiling and feeling convicted over his blunt advice. I want to follow it. So, here’s to 2020. A bright and shiny new year with a bright and shiny new journal.

I’ll Never Reach a Million People

More than ever, I long for my financial needs to be fully met so I can invest even more into creating: more time, more energy, more projects, more equipment. And thus even more connection. How nice it would be right now to have a million supporters. Or at least a few hundred thousand. Heck, a thousand. But here’s the thing I desperately need to keep reminding myself. It’s what I’m still learning from the hundreds of blogs, books, podcasts, and videos put out over the last decade. I’ll never reach a million people if I don’t reach the one.

My Name on a Stone

I traveled to Pennsylvania for Christmas, my first trip there since Ahh died this summer. My grandfather’s gravestone wasn’t chiseled until just recently, so this was my first time visiting it. Seeing it. It was the first time I’d ever seen my name on a stone.

This Chasm of Calling

On the one hand, I’m thrilled. I’ve never been more passionate in my calling as a storyteller. And yet on the other hand, the more I discover my God-given passions, talents, and deep gladness, the more burdened grows my soul; the more hungry, my heart. I feel the strain in the disconnect between what I want and what I believe God wants for me and others in this chasm of the not yet.

Anything Mentionable is Manageable

I saw the new Mr. Rogers movie, “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood.” It’s unlike any other movie I’ve seen. A unique story structure, beautiful set design, and phenomenal acting. “A Beautiful Day in the Neighborhood” is a movie that will stick with me for a while. I was teary-eyed the entire way – both from the sheer beauty of this story and its haunting connections to my own.

Pen Strokes and Chisels to the Soul

I’ve grown more in the last two years than the previous ten. More than ever, I feel God’s hand guiding mine like pen strokes while chiseling my soul. A mystical also brutal process.

My New Asheville Apartment Tour!

I just moved back to Asheville after a summer of travels. See my new apartment, including my awesome new studio space, and hear me talk about coming plans for this YouTube channel, including my new video sendoff!

A Safe Place to Vomit My Heart

I returned to counseling last week for the first time in six months. Counseling, therapy — I never know what to call it. How about a safe place to vomit my heart? Above all, I’ve needed two things sorely: Scripture and Jesus. Even after just one session back, I feel enriched: a session bookended with prayer as I shared the overview of my story. I started choking up after just twenty minutes.

I Like Coming Home?

I recently climbed the stairwell to my new apartment with a bag full of groceries and thought this distinct thought: I like coming home. It startled me, and I immediately recognized its significance. Because I couldn’t remember the last time I’d thought this thought. Alas — it’s been years since I truly enjoyed coming home.

Plot Twisting

My life has featured a lot of plot twists I never saw coming. Especially these last two years. It’s been brutal. It’s also been necessary for the furthering of my story, I now realize. A story that wasn’t going anywhere. Stuck in a sleepy, apathetic comfort.

Like a Butterfly in an Aquarium

It sounds lovely to be the butterfly, to have the spotted wings and ventures. But oh the process. The waiting and waiting, the changes upon changes one must first endure. There is no zapping to the butterfly stage. I imagine most of us want to be the butterfly but rarely the change required. And not just a singular change but multiple drastic, awkward, even painful changes.

Itch

I’m itching for home. God, I’m itching for regularity again. I’m itching for therapy and CrossFit and training for a marathon and the same coffee shops and writing my third book and building local friendships and taking Your Other Brothers to bold, new frontiers. I’m itching for this road trip to end.

A World Without Ahh

“I hope you have a lot of friends one day, Tom.” My grandfather spoke these words to me when I was 15. We were in the car as I joined him on his usual run of errands: the bank, pharmacy, post office. It’s strange referring to him as “my grandfather” — he was always just “Ahh” to me. Even stranger now to think of him in the past tense. My grandfather, Ahh, died this week.

Joy Terrifies Me

It’s so clear now — something I’ve always known to be true about me and yet see anew. I’m terrified of joy. Joy just terrifies me. For how fleeting it is.

When Jesus Slides Into the Shadows

Before you even know it, Jesus slid into the shadows long ago. You thought he was still there. Like he’s always been. Like he always will be…right? But if we don’t intentionally keep Jesus atop our bookshelf…I think the Father is willing to let us turn other pages. To let us wander without for a bit.

Go to Hell

Maybe instant healing and freedom do happen like that in other contexts, in other humans. I don’t know. I don’t know what that’s like. Maybe for the rest of us, though, the fight never ends. Maybe the enemy comes back, over and over.

Oops, My Readers Are My Friends Now

It’s been a wonderful thing, and it’s been a debilitating thing, all these Internet friends. On the one hand, the Internet has filtered out “real life,” so to speak, connecting me with the people I deeply want to connect with. People with common interests, common sexualities, common faiths, common cross-sections of all these things. And on the other hand, the Internet has totally spoiled “real life.” Real life relationships — or the hapless pursuit of them.

I’m Writing Fiction Again

I’m writing fiction again. Or at least dabbling. I don’t know why or for how long or what my goal even is, but the change of scenery is sure nice. I’ve missed this realm.

I’ve Never Not Wanted to be Gay. Until Now.

I watched Boy Erased the other night, and it messed me up more than any other movie has. Unlike countless others I’ve encountered over the years, I never attempted ‘praying the gay away’ as a kid and have largely experienced more struggles with my masculinity than my sexuality. Until now.

This Isn’t Real Life

When real life gets hard and messy and not as it should be, I have an inner sanctum I return to, again and again. One rotted by dopamine-laced falsities.

Nothing Makes Sense (And the C Chord Lingers Still)

I don’t know where this particular tune in time is taking me. I hear a lot of silence right now. Resolution feels far off. The last note lingers, and I want to hear the final sound.

Do Not Calm This Storm

Jesus won’t calm the storm with a single word. His way is a way of work. Of picking up crosses daily. Of lugging said crosses up mountains. Of taking the narrower way of all the broader ways available to my wanderlust.

Gravity Is Pulling You and Me and All of This Down

He is God. He is here. He has shown up. There is nowhere we can go, be it among the Biltmore sunflowers or on a lonely college road, void of God’s presence. Are we blind? Are we just not seeing him?

5 Regrets After 5 Years of Struggle Central

Writing Struggle Central five years ago was absolutely the path God intended for me eons ago. My path as a human, my path as a writer. The gateway to my wildest dreams as an author. Also, a nightmare. A foreign world with implications I’d have never otherwise encountered.

A “Love, Simon” Pseudo-Review

On High School, Deep Dark Secrets, Coming Out, Asexuality, My First Kiss, Longing, Commitment, Separation, and the Eternal What-If? I tracked along with 95% of Love, Simon. The deep dark secrets. The longings for other boys. The conflict between self and persona. The thrill of realizing you’re not alone.

Some Days You Have A Lot. Some A Little. Others Nothing.

Now that Running To has run to Amazon and other online booksellers, I find myself with a lot more free time. More free time to practice guitar and work out. More time to post on Instagram and Twitter and Facebook and engage with my following. Engage with my friends. More free time to read. More […]

When Writing a Book Isn’t Worth It

I completed writing my second book in September — a mammoth project three years in the making. For weeks and months and, yes, years, I legitimately wondered if the thing would ever get finished. I faced a lot of demons during the writing of this book: Despair that my epic journey was over, a reality […]

Like a Lost and Groaning Gandalf

I’ve long been drawn to the wise old figures in story — “the mentor,” as the archetype goes. The Yoda crawling around Luke Skywalker’s lunchbox. The Gandalf showing up at Frodo’s round door. I’ve always wanted my own mythical mentor to show up when I least expect it, breaking my tedious present, leading me into […]

Who Am I Now?

Once upon a new year, I promised I’d blog here weekly all year long. I also made a short list of other so-called resolutions, and ten months into this new year I realize I’m only hitting with about 50% success overall. I am so great. At least I still have two months to finish the […]

Introducing . . . #RunningToo

Rather than write a verbose post about my next adventure beyond quitting my job, I figured why not just tell you face-to-digital-face?! Check out my video below for all the scoop on what I’m calling #RunningToo. Well, not all the scoop. Gotta leave some room for mystery, don’t I? In any case, comment below if […]

I Need to Hear Again: or, Why I’m Quitting My Job and Hitting the Road

In third grade, my music teacher told us the story of Beethoven. I think it was Beethoven. I’m too lazy to google it now. When Beethoven first started losing his hearing, he inserted a metal tube into his ear to help him drown out the excess noise and focus his hearing. As his hearing worsened, […]

Old Life and New Life and the Life in Between

My grandfather celebrated his ninetieth birthday last month. Family from coast to coast — West to East and North to South — converged upon Langhorne, Pennsylvania for our biggest family celebration since my grandparents’ fiftieth wedding anniversary in 1998. A lot’s happened in the last two decades. I’ve written previously about the one I call […]

kill the twentysomething

My twenties are gone. Forever. I’ve often been accused of being too dramatic, both on this blog and in “real life.” I’m too emotional. Too heavy and melancholy and not enough amounts of light-hearted and sunny. So, in an effort to balance out my being, I’m going to reminisce on my greatest hits as a […]

Running To: The Book Trailer

For the better part of a year, I’ve been compiling video footage from a road trip that took me from California to the Carolinas and practically everywhere in between. I’ve been editing a hybrid retrospective / book trailer for days and weeks at a time, and I’ve also forgotten about it and left it to collect dust […]

The Best Worst Year in the Blue Ridge

I’m the kind of guy who compares anything to everything: my favorite TV show (Survivor) to my least favorite (The Bachelor), the best month (April) to the worst month (November), the greatest year of my life (2012) to the very worst (2006). I can’t help it. I compare. It’s what I do. It’s why I […]

Another disaster of a year begins . . .

I hate new years. I hate resolutions. I hate the assumption that just because the calendar changes from one month and one year to the next, the past is wiped clean and anything is possible — well, for about two and a half weeks. And then it’s back to tubs of ice cream and pornography. […]

And to All a Good Riddance

As the grotesque mass of space garbage we call 2016 hurtles toward oblivion, people everywhere are cheering the prospect of a new year. Myself included. We’ve proclaimed this the worst year ever, what with a most bizarre election cycle, the deaths of numerous beloved celebrities, raging wildfires and natural disasters, and the opening of the […]

I Watched Gilmore Girls and Now I’m Thinking Too Much

I watched the Gilmore Girls revival over the weekend. There. I said it. Laugh at me. Deride me. Label me with your sharpest effeminate nicknames. It’s not like I have masculine issues or anything. I grew up with a little sister who loved Gilmore Girls, and as such, I saw more than a few episodes. I was […]

Why I Hated Blogging Every Day This Month

Before November could unleash her usual dread upon me, I decided I’d take a proactive approach with this month. Blog every day, I thought? Would that do it? Would that do the trick and make me somehow look forward to this month instead of loathe it every day? Some days were better than others. Some […]

Some Days Are Like Gnomes With No Legs

I can’t believe I’ve been blogging every day for four straight weeks now. Like. What? How have I even done this? How have I actually trained myself to sit down for an hour or two every day and simply say whatever came to mind without ever going back and changing what just erupted from my […]

I Don’t Want to Do This

I don’t want to do this. But here I am. Blogging. Tonight. Late. After 10pm. Hardly an hour or two to spare until midnight. Just in time for Day 20. Today’s a great example of doing something I don’t want to do after an entire day of doing what I live for. This morning, I […]

Hello, Mr. Moose Head with the Hookah: or, Escaping the Staleness

Tonight I hopped on my bike not knowing where I’d be riding it. The further away I rode from my house, the more the pieces fell into place. A street here. An uphill climb there. A brand new coffee shop where I’d yet to sit and sip and ruminate. This place I found downtown is […]

A Decade Without Annie

The vortex of my loathing for November stems from this date a decade ago. The day I lost my dog, Annie, to a freak accident. An accident I was convinced was connected to my first bout with pornography and God’s judgment. A decade later, I’ve laxed on the whole God punishing me thing; a decade […]

You and I Will Be Okay

Earlier this year, I lost my beloved Mitsy to old age and a fuming engine on I-81S. I cried over her (wept, really), I memorialized her, and I spent the next two months of my life walking around Asheville until my sister’s old car became my new car — Des. She’s a 1998 Toyota Corolla, […]

Will the Words Still Come?

Today I’m halfway through my 30-day blogging challenge. It was fun and novel at first, blogging every day. Like I’d put on skinny jeans or a trendy scarf for the first time or decided to “go vegan.” 15 days later, it’s still fun. It’s become automatic that after work every day I come to a […]

Sometimes a sunset . . .

Sometimes you fall asleep in the Starbucks parking lot after a long day and a long week and you climb out of your car to find the sky ablaze, swirling with the comfort that a new night is here, a new weekend dawns, and rest is already among us. If we’ll only wake up to […]

I Got Triggered Today

“Weekend Tom” returned to “Weekday Tom” at school today. One kid struggled with recursive sequences. Another kept falling asleep learning about dear sweet Pythagoras and his most beloved theorem. Yet another needed my step-by-step guidance, only to fizzle out of patience by hour’s end. It wasn’t the flashiest of mornings. No inspirational artist studio visits […]

And the Message is Fun

The last two days, I’ve taken our students to the River Arts District here in Asheville to visit with local artists in their studios and even do some painting on canvases and walls alike. It’s rare that I get to go out with the students, as I usually aid them with math or writing in […]

Four Seasons Later

I wore a sweater to work the other day. I climbed half-naked out of bed with a shiver and noted the morning temperature a brisk 49 degrees. So, I grabbed a light sweater from my closet — the first time I’ve worn one since March or April. Since I first moved to Asheville. Winter. Spring. Summer. […]

I Have Nothing to Say About Orlando

I read many tweets in the 48-hour aftermath of the Orlando shooting that claimed fifty lives. One jumped out at me most. It said: Christians: your silence is a deafening roar. I read the tweet, felt sobered by the tweet, grew annoyed by the tweet, and then pondered my own “role” or “responsibility” with regard to Orlando and […]

Re-Learning How to Take Care of Myself

I’ve been living in Asheville for over two months now, and it’s been a mid-range roller coaster with moderate ups and downs. The new job and the Couchsurfing; the church-searching and the solitude; newfound stability versus my inner nomad. I’ve been attending a local support group twice a week for the last month, and I’m learning how to take care […]

Why I Used the F-Word in My First Book

I’ve been wanting to write this pestersome post for almost a year now. But I’ve also really wanted to avoid it. I’ve wanted to pretend like “the issue” didn’t exist or matter and, like, whatever. Avoid, avoid, avoid. Avoidance works for a while. Sometimes, avoidance works for a long while. After a long while, though, […]

Fiction vs. Nonfiction: Finding My Writer’s Calling

Today I’m thrilled to be guest posting at Sandra Carey Cody’s Birth of a Novel blog. My writing career actually started with a novel upon my college graduation in 2009. Nearly five years later, that novel remains unpublished, but another (nonfictional) book took over my life in the meantime. Here’s a snippet of my guest […]

On Starting a Newsletter, Writing a Book, and Mourning the X-Games

A couple months ago I teased y’all about a new, exciting newsletter for this blog, teasing you even further about a crazy book idea. I teased and I teased, and then I hit a writing wall while struggling to land work and move into a more ideal living situation. And thus the dream appeared dead. […]

November: I Kinda Really Hate You

I hate November. Those who know me best know this isn’t much of a secret. Ever since my dog died six years ago this month, I’ve dreaded these 30 particular days of the year. Truthfully, I can’t remember experiencing a “good” November since 2006 attacked. I always anticipate strife and struggle and regret and remorse […]

One Word 365: My Autumn Check-In

One Word 365: my succinct “theme” for 2012. I began this year with the declaration that these 365 days would be courageous. A year of leaps and bounds like never before. I checked in this spring with an update on my courageous moments. Not as a chance to puff myself up, but rather as a […]

EDEN-APPLE-HEART: My Heart (Part 3 of 3)

This is the final post in a three-part series. If you missed the first two parts, check out My Eden and My Apple first. This has been a fun series of posts — both to write my story and to hear yours. I was so inspired by all the feedback from Part 2, and I […]

Writing to Me, Circa 2005

Ever wish you could write a letter to yourself? And by “yourself” I mean the “you” from your past? Knowing what we know about ourselves now, wouldn’t that be incredible if we could mail ourselves some invaluable advice? Well finally, we can do just that. Actually, no we can’t. But we can pretend, right? There’s […]

TMZ: Creator

No, I’m not the Creator. But I am a creator. I love that the God of the Universe created, well, the universe, and then the universe in turn creates things ourselves. Blows my mind. People are so talented and gifted and creative. Seriously, how did we ever come up with automobiles or guitars or haikus? […]