Journeys of a Wandering Wordsmith
Journey with me on my blog!
Go to Hell
Maybe instant healing and freedom do happen like that in other contexts, in other humans. I don't know. I don't know what that's like. Maybe for the rest of us, though, the fight never ends. Maybe the enemy comes back, over and over.
I Need to be Sad
The sadness. I can't ever let myself forget how sad and broken everything is. From the inside out. I can't, or I go on autopilot. I become a monster of a human I'd never want any of you to see.
Oops, My Readers Are My Friends Now
It's been a wonderful thing, and it's been a debilitating thing, all these Internet friends. On the one hand, the Internet has filtered out "real life," so to speak, connecting me with the people I deeply want to connect with. People with common interests, common sexualities, common faiths, common cross-sections of all these things. And on the other hand, the Internet has totally spoiled "real life." Real life relationships — or the hapless pursuit of them.
I'm Writing Fiction Again
I'm writing fiction again. Or at least dabbling. I don't know why or for how long or what my goal even is, but the change of scenery is sure nice. I've missed this realm.
I Will Stay in This Rubble
I don't know. I'm in a season of not knowing. Which means I'm doing a lot of listening these days. But I hear the whispers. I've been unintentionally heeding them these last 8 months as I've turned over stone after stone. I will rummage through this rubble until there are no more boulders or pebbles left to turn.
This Isn't Real Life
When real life gets hard and messy and not as it should be, I have an inner sanctum I return to, again and again. One rotted by dopamine-laced falsities.
Nothing Makes Sense (And the C Chord Lingers Still)
I don't know where this particular tune in time is taking me. I hear a lot of silence right now. Resolution feels far off. The last note lingers, and I want to hear the final sound.
Do Not Calm This Storm
Jesus won't calm the storm with a single word. His way is a way of work. Of picking up crosses daily. Of lugging said crosses up mountains. Of taking the narrower way of all the broader ways available to my wanderlust.
End of Year Emo Blizzard
As 2018 winds down, I find myself in my most emotionally raw, volatile state of the year, probably ever. The North Carolina skies opened with a blizzard this week, and how I wanted this snowy downpour to cleanse it all away.
Jesus Loves Me. This I Know?
Yes, Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so. But does he like me? Does he find me enjoyable? Why? Does he only "have" to love and like me because he's Jesus? Furthermore, does his Church love me? Do they like me? Because so often I feel that they do not. That they just don't have time for me. For my struggles and emotions.
A Man of God I Am Not
Upstream, of course. I've always been swimming upstream. Against the current. The current of sexuality. The current of introversion. The current of inferiority. The current of separation. The current of brokenness and deficiency. The current of not being quite enough of a man, if even at all. Let alone a man of God.
Death and Death and the Coming Tide of Death
Today I learned that my church died. Not my current church. Not my previous church. Not even a church I've attended in four years. But the first church that felt something like home.
My Weird Little Introverted Internet Life
Like, this is actually my life now. Meeting folks from the Internet wherever I go. Near and far and down the street. I mean, I've lived this life for years now. I'm not oblivious to it. I'm just feeling it really strongly today. Realizing I hardly translate my weird little introverted Internet life to others.
Waking Up from a Thousand What Isn'ts
Being present. I find it so difficult. Perhaps my greatest challenge. I entertain a thousand fantasies on any given day. Many of them "harmless." Or maybe not. A move to this city. A quick wandering to that one. Staying here in the Blue Ridge the rest of my life. Leaving tomorrow. Old friends, new friends.
I Want This Plane to Crash
All we have is this moment. The key is being present. It's always being present. Not giving more weight to the past or more to the future but just enough weight to all three. Whatever that perfect ratio is, I have no idea. I do know the present must get the largest piece of pie.
City of Macaroons and Broken Dreams
I entered Charlotte with gargantuan hopes. Hopes that wherever I landed after #RunningTo would be the city I'd call home the rest of my life. A city of dreams fulfilled that simultaneously kept adding new ones. I stare at this Queen City skyline with kind of a hopeless sigh. I failed this place.
Gravity Is Pulling You and Me and All of This Down
He is God. He is here. He has shown up. There is nowhere we can go, be it among the Biltmore sunflowers or on a lonely college road, void of God's presence. Are we blind? Are we just not seeing him?
I Don't Know What I'm Doing Anymore Except
The slate is wiped clean. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Nothing makes sense anymore. Except for ten minutes every morning.
5 Regrets After 5 Years of Struggle Central
Writing Struggle Central five years ago was absolutely the path God intended for me eons ago. My path as a human, my path as a writer. The gateway to my wildest dreams as an author. Also, a nightmare. A foreign world with implications I'd have never otherwise encountered.