Journeys of a Wandering Wordsmith
Journey with me on my blog!
Like a Butterfly in an Aquarium
It sounds lovely to be the butterfly, to have the spotted wings and ventures. But oh the process. The waiting and waiting, the changes upon changes one must first endure. There is no zapping to the butterfly stage. I imagine most of us want to be the butterfly but rarely the change required. And not just a singular change but multiple drastic, awkward, even painful changes.
Stranger in a Familiar Land
The road has led me back to the Blue Ridge. Back in these hills rolling like moonlit shadows, just like I remember, just like always. I've been gone from this place for 82 days. Traveling as far away as Colorado and Maine and losing a grandfather along the way. And the way is still unfolding before me.
Itch
I'm itching for home. God, I'm itching for regularity again. I'm itching for therapy and CrossFit and training for a marathon and the same coffee shops and writing my third book and building local friendships and taking Your Other Brothers to bold, new frontiers. I'm itching for this road trip to end.
Leave Me Alone
I'm grieving more than just the loss of my grandfather — a hero, a giant, an embodiment of God's love. I'm grieving all relational brokenness. I'm grieving human death for the first time, yes, but I'm also grieving everything else that separates humanity. Divorce, war, disagreement, misunderstanding, vitriol. Friends who aren't friends anymore.
A World Without Ahh
"I hope you have a lot of friends one day, Tom." My grandfather spoke these words to me when I was 15. We were in the car as I joined him on his usual run of errands: the bank, pharmacy, post office. It's strange referring to him as "my grandfather" — he was always just "Ahh" to me. Even stranger now to think of him in the past tense. My grandfather, Ahh, died this week.
I'm Tired.
I just attended the second Revoice conference in St. Louis. Several of my fellow authors from Your Other Brothers also attended, and we'll have a full recap/conversation coming to our site next week. But for now, I wanted to shed some more personal thoughts on the conference and my life-on-the-road at large. The main one being: I'm tired.
God See Me
I want more, I want all of it, and yet I also want to rest in the futility of this earthly conquest. I want to wander where I will and when I can, but also to find contentment in the conquest of a single place. I've a feeling where that single place will soon emerge, at least for the foreseeable future. But for now. I will wander. I will be purposeful.
Joy Terrifies Me
It's so clear now — something I've always known to be true about me and yet see anew. I'm terrified of joy. Joy just terrifies me. For how fleeting it is.
When Jesus Slides Into the Shadows
Before you even know it, Jesus slid into the shadows long ago. You thought he was still there. Like he's always been. Like he always will be...right? But if we don't intentionally keep Jesus atop our bookshelf...I think the Father is willing to let us turn other pages. To let us wander without for a bit.
Go to Hell
Maybe instant healing and freedom do happen like that in other contexts, in other humans. I don't know. I don't know what that's like. Maybe for the rest of us, though, the fight never ends. Maybe the enemy comes back, over and over.
I Need to be Sad
The sadness. I can't ever let myself forget how sad and broken everything is. From the inside out. I can't, or I go on autopilot. I become a monster of a human I'd never want any of you to see.
Oops, My Readers Are My Friends Now
It's been a wonderful thing, and it's been a debilitating thing, all these Internet friends. On the one hand, the Internet has filtered out "real life," so to speak, connecting me with the people I deeply want to connect with. People with common interests, common sexualities, common faiths, common cross-sections of all these things. And on the other hand, the Internet has totally spoiled "real life." Real life relationships — or the hapless pursuit of them.
I'm Writing Fiction Again
I'm writing fiction again. Or at least dabbling. I don't know why or for how long or what my goal even is, but the change of scenery is sure nice. I've missed this realm.
I Will Stay in This Rubble
I don't know. I'm in a season of not knowing. Which means I'm doing a lot of listening these days. But I hear the whispers. I've been unintentionally heeding them these last 8 months as I've turned over stone after stone. I will rummage through this rubble until there are no more boulders or pebbles left to turn.
This Isn't Real Life
When real life gets hard and messy and not as it should be, I have an inner sanctum I return to, again and again. One rotted by dopamine-laced falsities.
Nothing Makes Sense (And the C Chord Lingers Still)
I don't know where this particular tune in time is taking me. I hear a lot of silence right now. Resolution feels far off. The last note lingers, and I want to hear the final sound.
Do Not Calm This Storm
Jesus won't calm the storm with a single word. His way is a way of work. Of picking up crosses daily. Of lugging said crosses up mountains. Of taking the narrower way of all the broader ways available to my wanderlust.
End of Year Emo Blizzard
As 2018 winds down, I find myself in my most emotionally raw, volatile state of the year, probably ever. The North Carolina skies opened with a blizzard this week, and how I wanted this snowy downpour to cleanse it all away.
Jesus Loves Me. This I Know?
Yes, Jesus loves me. For the Bible tells me so. But does he like me? Does he find me enjoyable? Why? Does he only "have" to love and like me because he's Jesus? Furthermore, does his Church love me? Do they like me? Because so often I feel that they do not. That they just don't have time for me. For my struggles and emotions.
