I already wrote about Bruce Jenner once, but his recent appearance on Vanity Fair has rocked the world and stirred another post within me. I feel like Christians everywhere are desperately searching for the proper Christian reaction to “Caitlyn Jenner,” or whatever he’s calling himself now.
So, I racked my brain and came up with seven definitive actions you can take. You’re welcome, dear Christian.
Here are 7 things Christians should do about Caitlyn Jenner.*
1. Don’t call her Caitlyn. Don’t even call her “her.” She’s really a man, after all. A sad confused man named Bruce. He probably has a demon. You’re a Christian; you know these things. Ignore his wishes that you call him a her named Caitlyn just as you’d pester anyone else pleading with you to stop calling them an unwanted name or nickname. So, keep calling Caitlyn Jenner Bruce Jenner (extra emphasis on the Bruce). You could also use quotes around his supposed name: “Caitlyn Jenner.”
2. Keep saying America is morally bankrupt because of “Caitlyn Jenner.” We are where we are because of people like him. And the gays. The louder you scream it, the more you tweet it, and the more troops you rally, the more likely those sinners will wake up from their wicked ways.
3. Make signs like these and go march places. Your hometown, the town next door, etc. You should probably drop everything you’re doing and just fly to California and find Jenner’s house and picket out front. Because nothing draws people to the well of the Holy Spirit like giant Impact font.
4. Stay in the dark about transgender issues. Don’t bother watching Jenner’s new show, and don’t even listen to other transgender people’s perspectives. You are in the light, and they are in utter darkness. Let’s keep our boundaries. A true Christian wouldn’t let that garbage enter their ears and ravage their souls.
5. Find others you’ve never met and condemn them, too. You’re just getting started with that disaster on Vanity Fair. Countless other celebrities are corrupting our culture on every other magazine, show, and movie, and even more people in your day-to-day life could use further ignoring of your time. Which brings me to a most vital Step 6…
6. Ignore, ignore, ignore. Our culture is collapsing, and time is of the essence. Ignore your loved ones, ignore your co-workers, ignore the homeless, and ignore practically anyone else in need of your time, attention, and care. We need you to ignore the actual people in your life and stay vigilant about all the ones not in it.
So, keep the coffee pot running; you should probably skip sleeping tonight to read up on all the secular and especially “Christian” blog posts talking about Caitlyn Jenner and gay marriage and the like. Make sure you craft comments with at least seven paragraphs. And don’t just write one general comment per post; reply to everyone’s comments. Don’t forget to use lots of Scripture references. CAPITAL LETTERS go a long way, too. You’ve always had a way with words, haven’t you? Gosh, we need your Internet comments now more than ever. The Holy Spirit needs your help convicting people. If someone doesn’t read your words walking away fully baptized in the Spirit, well — they’re just as depraved as Caitlyn Jenner.
And lastly:
7. Don’t bother praying for Caitlyn Jenner. He/She/It is already too far gone.
These seven steps for dealing with Caitlyn Jenner should get you going on your way, dear Christian. We need you leading us forward and helping issue forth Christ’s coming Kingdom to earth (Matthew 6:10). Oh, and don’t forget your signs and megaphone on your way down the straight and narrow.
What else should Christians do about Caitlyn Jenner?
*This is a work of satire. I sure hope that was obvious.
