How to (Actually) Resolve Conflict

Oh man, I really had you guys going, didn’t I? Alas, that last post was entirely satirical and not, in fact, my actual advice on how to resolve conflict. Apologies to those of you who read and started spontaneously yelling at your friends, family, bank tellers, etc.

That one part about my being a HARMONY MASTER was true. According to Strengths Finder, I’m apparently a happy harmonious guy. Seriously, though, I’d like to think I do help foster greater peace in my relationships. Indeed, I have a slightly different approach on how to resolve conflict than my last post would suggest.

Here’s the truth about how to resolve conflict: it’s messy stuff.

How to Actually Resolve Conflict
Photo courtesy lanier67, Creative Commons

How to Resolve Conflict: The Actual Process

1. Don’t ignore the situation. Contrary to your passive instincts, sweeping the problem under the poodle isn’t helping matters. The problem isn’t going away; in fact, it’s getting worse. Conflict has a nasty way of escalating exponentially if left untended. Tend to it.

2. Confront the person. Set a time, set a date, or step into a spontaneous opportune moment to talk it out. Don’t wait for the other person. Take initiative. Take control. And one bonus tip: don’t be loud.

3. Involve a third party. Jesus said this thing in Matthew about bringing in a third party when two people can’t cut the conflict themselves. It sounds too simple to be true, but involving a fresh set of eyes and ears makes so much sense. I dunno, it’s like Jesus was God or something.

4. Admit your faults. You might not be wholly responsible for the conflict, but nobody’s perfect. Might you consider a minute role in the conflict? Be upfront with someone — especially yourself — regarding where you might have fallen short. Sometimes there’s blame to be brought to both sides. Don’t let the other party trounce all over you, but don’t confuse your bold self-admission with weakness.

5. Get their side of the story. Before you rant for too long, get the other person’s story on the storm. You might be surprised by the other perspective. Zoom out of your own endzone for a bit and get a glimpse of the entire field.

6. Be clear. Once both sides of the conflict are adequately exchanged, don’t generalize your ongoing expectations for the relationship. Be bold. Be truthful. Be specific. You don’t want to walk this same rocky road again soon.

7. Leave. Finally, if nothing else works and you’re able, abandon ship. Just leave. If it’s a romantic relationship, say so long. If it’s a friendship, bid adieu. If it’s a work relationship, perhaps a change of occupation is in order? Whenever and however possible, surround yourself with positive people. That’s the way to live. That’s how I’m living now.

It’s amazing. I’ve never felt more free.

How to Resolve Conflict: Closing Thoughts

I use to obsess about relationships. Obsess to the point of poisonous stress. That’s not to say I don’t care anymore, but I’ve stopped caring about the other person’s role in the relationship.

Ultimately, you can only do so much. Relationships take two to tango, and you can’t waste your life on those unwilling to tango to the middle. Why should anyone strive and stress and painfully persist for the other person who stands obstinately on the opposing side?

I’m learning that solid relationships are a hard commodity. They take such effort. They require compromise and difficult conversations aplenty.

Most of our relationships won’t last beyond the next turn of the calendar. That’s just the sour reality, but you know what?

I’m okay that some friendships won’t last. Some friendships will die.

I’m okay that some friendships will die because of the other person, and I’m even okay that some friendships will die because of me. It’s not that I don’t take friendships lightly; I do. But I’m finally starting to appreciate the seasonality of relationships and how God has positioned us in particular places and times for very distinct reasons. Renewals.

Life cannot happen without death. Newness cannot unfold without the old passing away.

Relationship after failed relationship, I am learning. I’m slowly maturing after an isolating adolescence. Maturing socially, maturing emotionally.

I’m learning to resolve conflict in healthy ways. The more I properly deal with conflict, the less it even seems to occur — or perhaps more vitally, the less conflict seems to weigh me down.

How do you resolve conflict? Do you have any other tips for such a touchy subject?

8 Comments
Bryon 2 February 2015
| |

After reading a post from another of your readers, I realize that I’m okay with letting some friendships go. I get very attached to certain people though, especially those who I want their approval. If the friendship ends with disapproval, then that is what tears me up. There are people I tried to get close to and we had a long friendship but when it broke up, I wasn’t upset at all. I think it all has to do with approval wounds that still aren’t mended. They hurt so deeply because they are triggered from the past when current situations don’t work out.

Bryon 2 February 2015
| |

I’m okay with resolving conflict, and I probably think better of myself than I ought to in this area, but my problem is with letting go. I feel loss so deeply that it is just unbearable. It makes me physically sick. I work on it, but it doesn’t seem to get any better. For years I dealt with it by keeping people at an emotional arms length. Now I let people in and I’m dealing with my best friend moving away. Frankly, I’ve never let anyone in as much as this guy. I’m afraid I will never have a friend as close as we are. Even after decades, I still mourn the loss of some friendships, even contact them and ask for closure or reconciliation. I hate that I’m like this and I envy others like yourself that have learned how to move on. I know it’s healthy, but I just don’t know how to change.

Marshall R 27 May 2014
| |

BTW your use of parentheses in your title suggests that you are hesitating to split an infinitive. When is it ok and not ok to split an infinitive? I wonder if English has changed so much that no one cares any more.

Marshall R 27 May 2014
| |

As I said elsewhere, I approach more serious conflict with what some of my friends call “love bombing”. I call it “love your enemies”. I make my point with simple, logical statements while defusing anger by pointing out my opponent’s good qualities and deliberately finding a way to help him in ways that really matter to him. Seriously, some of my best and most lasting friendships formed when I took that approach!

MLYaksh 27 May 2014
| |

Letting a relationship go… gah, that can be so difficult and painful. Words fail to describe such a feeling. But you’re right- not all relationships are meant to be forever. It’s ok for certain friendships to end. People change, people grow, people go down different paths. Life is not a straight line that runs parallel to every other person around us. Some people will be with us for a long time, maybe for our entire lives in some way- but it won’t stay the same the entire time.
Thank you for this post- it truly came at a needed time and it very much encouraged me.

Rebecka 27 May 2014
| |

The steps in your last post were easier to follow, but I have a feeling following these might work a little better… I really appreciate your closing thoughts, good stuff!