Ever since I moved to southern California, I’ve been an avid stereotypical writer in a coffee shop. Starbucks was my original standby, but then I discovered the much more intimate Panera setting. And my eyes were opened. Plus, you can’t beat the Panera rewards card.
I MEAN, THEY GIVE AWAY FOOD AND DRINKS FOR FREE. THAT’S INSANE.
I’m certainly a coffee shop frequenter, so let me tell you about the types of people you’ll find there. Whether you’re in southern California or southern Tibet, I’m pretty sure this list is consistent with all people groups and all cultures.
1. The Study Groupers – They’re the easiest to spot because they’ve claimed three tables in the corner and connected all of them to form some sort of mega-table (much akin to Dwight K. Schrute’s “mega-desk”). Mega-table is overlaid with approximately seventeen open notebooks, entangling laptop cords, multiple colors of highlighter, and if there’s room, coffee. I honestly don’t know how they fit everything on there, but alas, that’s the mystery of mega-table.
2. The Solo Studier (Subdued) – On the flip side of the studier coin is the student who faithfully adheres to her solo study regimen. She doesn’t really want coffee but orders a cup anyway because she feels guilty occupying a coffee shop without ordering something. With earplugs firmly in place, she will not be distracted by anyone or anything, be it earthquake, tornado, or mad gunman. If it wasn’t obvious already, this is the category I fall under.
3. The Solo Studier (Animated) – And on the flip side of the solo studier sub-coin is this guy who mouths every single word he reads. He’s usually big into hand motions too; if he’s studying math, expect him to utilize those fingers often for counting. Reading Hamlet? Get ready for that outstretched hand and enjoy the performance.
4. The Lovers – These two think they’re currently starring in a Meg Ryan movie and aren’t afraid to let the rest of Coffee Shop World know it. Crazy intense eye contact, hand-holding that borders on hand-asphyxiation, and long lingering kisses over the middle of their table complete their odious ensemble.
5. The Gamer – He either can’t afford internet at his house or he thinks coming to a coffee shop to play Warcraft counts as “getting out.” He’s the one taking up the entire booth that seats four when there are plenty of regular tables available. He knows he’s gonna be there a while, so why not claim the comfy cushioned arena of a booth seat? Unlike The Solo Studier (Subdued), he could care less about ordering a drink.
6. The Bros – These dudes are closer than Tim Taylor and a gaggle of power tools. Just follow the hearty laughter and trail of crumpled napkins.
7. The Chicks – These gals make the Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants look like a cage match for witches. Mega-table will often make an appearance, minus the study materials and times infinity purses.
8. The Family Duo – Whether it’s father-son, mother-daughter, or some miscellaneous uncle-niece combo, it’s always awkward. I don’t know why exactly the coffee shop beckons their cringe-inducing conversations, but these are always the best tables for eavesdropping.
Did I leave anybody out? Panera vs. Starbucks vs. Local Flavor: what’s your favorite coffee shop?
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